"Your walls are there to stop you from feeling, to distract you from hurt." - Sarah Blondin
I've struggled over the years trying to find a balance between my masculine and feminine energy. Masculine energy is logical, strong, assertive, protective, expansive while feminine energy is still, nurturing, sensitive, unconditional love, feeling, and creativeness. From a very young age I have always felt the need to protect myself. I've built up walls and layers around my heart to the point where my emotions sometimes feel calloused over. I have felt the need to defend myself emotionally and physically and I am extremely reactive and defensive. I have always had this underlying fiery rage. I can have a short fuse and it is ignited when I feel any sense of danger, judgement or disrespect. I am guarded.
Since getting sober I have been given the opportunity to reflect more inward. To really get to know myself and question different aspects of myself, my beliefs and my behaviors. The idea of this scares many people away and I believe that is a big reason why a lot of people never question sobriety. It can be scary and challenging and that's what I love about it.
I go through bouts of depression and anxiety like most of us do. I have days where I physically cant muster up the energy to even get out of bed. Small tasks seem daunting and I just want to stay in bed and not talk to anyone or do anything. I've been observing these moments a lot closer lately. Questioning what got me there and asking myself how I will get out of it. One thing that is becoming more clear to me is that over the years I haven't really allowed myself to feel. Neither good emotions nor bad ones. Nothing. I've just kind of been numbed out. Mainly due to alcohol, but now that I am sober I am realizing that it goes much deeper than that. What I do know is that if I wouldn't have gotten sober then I may have never come to this realization.
I've always had anger inside of me. I try to trace it back to when it started and it goes back as far as I can remember. This is something I am currently working on and working through. Trying to figure out where the short fuse began. Recently, I had been seeing a pattern play out in my life. A defensiveness, a need for control and autopilot form of expression and I am starting to realize it goes a lot deeper than just anger. Anger is just the tip of the iceberg (see picture below). The anger comes from years of suppressing all of these emotions. Suppressing the emotion of feeling unsafe, attacked, anxious, self-conscious, insecure, scared, unappreciated etc. Years of just stuffing them away until they finally rise to the surface and manifest themselves as anger.
Somebody at work randomly sent me a guided meditation from one of his meditation apps he had downloaded on his phone. He said it didn't resonate with him, but for some reason he felt like I would like it. Out of curiosity I decided to listen to it on my way home from work. It was titled "Our Warring Self vs Our Infinite Self". As I listened to Sarah Blondin's deeply soothing voice, each word hit me deeper and deeper. I resonated so hard with everything she was saying and tears just started rolling down my face. I finally felt like somebody was putting my pain and anger into words perfectly.
"Anger and warring shows us we are afraid. Shows us we are trying to protect our vulnerability and softness. Your walls are there to stop you from feeling, to distract you from hurt. But feeling your softness, returning to your nature is the only thing that will set you free. The only thing that will feed your life in the ways it is asking."
You can listen here: https://podbay.fm/podcast/1030019034/e/1474821820
Or read below:
“Movements like blades, sharp, short, deliberate carrying the weight and fierceness of a million daring warriors behind them. She is angry defiant raging against her reality. Her breathing short and shallow. She breathes fire. She is the one who starts war. She is the part of you that is capable of burning down cities and waging war against the ones she loves. She is the part of you that hides under the surface. The part of you that surprises you when she shows her teeth. The part of you you deny push away pretend does not live there within you. She is your darkness the woman who dwells in the shallow water of your being. She is in every one of us she rides up on the back of the wave of your righteous ego. She feeds on the ideas that you deserve more better different. She lurks in the thoughts and emotions that keep you small. the notion that you have something to fight for reclaim preserve. She is the face of war. The part of us that can understand how we can fight others how we ruin our lives how we can kill in the name of our beliefs. She is who we must look to when needing to find compassion for others who are captives under her spell. She is who we must hold lovingly in our hearts when we see those caught in her grasp. She is who we must learn to love into gentle submission for she only lives and breathes on our un-love. She can only survive when and where we have forgotten to love.
Then there is the soft one. The woman with long white hair. Who moves like liquid. Glides on her step, floats on light. She is tender, always tender. She comes when you ask for help. She comes when you fill your lungs with a conscious breath. She lives there, beside the wicked. She is shelved beside the one who wars. There they stand within you. Both hands open. A choice. The one who sees as an owl, able to look from all perspectives. Gentle, hands soft as the skin of a plumb. Heart her language and tongue. She is able to withstand storms. She catches the furious pain of others. The difficult experiences you face. The things that make you want to fight, and she cradles them. Swaddles them in unconditional love. Over and over again. She loves all. She is the bottomless source of light, love. she is your essence. Pure and wise she lives in your greatest depths. Deep in your tissues. She is your greatest ally. She is who you can choose to embody. To call forth as you navigate through life.
Tightness of breath, sharpness of movement; darting in eyes. Means you are calling forth the warrior in you to rise. You are bringing her up on the waves of contempt. One conscious breath inward, into your very depth and she will fall. You have the power to cal the soft one into form. You can choose. There is no question which feels better, which one breaths us more alive, more vivid. It is up to you to choose the powerful choice of living as the soft one, whenever you feel lost in a sea of raging thoughts and waves. She is there. I promise you.
She serves where the other severs.
She heals where the other wounds.
She replaces, replenishes, restores, where the other, robs, pillages, eradicates, and steals your love. the same love of the world. It takes great strength and determination to choose her when you are in the fire. It is not just a choice. But YOUR choice. Nothing will suffer more than you, if you continue to choose war.”
– Sarah Blondin
She got me - and it all started to make sense. I no longer want to feel anger, rage, resistance. These are all defense mechanisms I have built up over the years to protect myself. I've battled so long and overtime and have felt forced to suppress the "soft one". Pain, trauma, heartbreak & addiction have made me hard. But today, I choose to end that pattern. Today I choose to embark on a journey to recover my light & unconditional love.
As alway, I am forever grateful for my sobriety. What a beautiful second chance we have been given.
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