Why alcohol has NO place in my life
Updated: Nov 20, 2019
Will I ever drink again? Is this just a phase?
My answer to this question is an unwavering NO. To understand my firmness in this decision, you have to understand that this is something that took me time. A lot of it. I didn't just decide to quit one day and that was that. It was years of questioning myself, questioning if I really did want to give it up forever or if I could try moderating. Years of me getting sober for a month or two and then falling right back in to my old patterns. Years of me trying to wrap my head around why alcohol had such a hold over my life. Years of trying to figure out how I let this substance ruin so many of my relationships. My relationship with alcohol was not a light one. IT DESTROYED ME. I lost myself and was starting to lose my soul. Do you know how terrifying the idea of drinking again is to me? Me drinking again means potentially losing my life. Is that worth it to me? Is "having a little fun" worth it? Is "letting loose" worth it? Is "relaxing" worth it?
I put all of those things in quotes because those are false beliefs we tell ourselves to justify our drinking habits. They are lies. They are untrue. Even if they were true, they still wouldn't be worth all of the things I could risk losing. I want a family, kids, a career etc. and those are all things that were almost taken away from me because of alcohol.
A member from the Mindful Times Facebook group said "My whole life was a giant hangover."
If you struggle with alcohol abuse, you know how true this can be. That was my life. My life was one giant hangover. Half a bottle, sometimes a full bottle of liquor a night. Blackouts EVERY night. Somehow I still managed to get myself to the gym and to work in the morning but that was my way of justifying it and telling myself that I didn't actually have a problem. I'd be hungover all day at work, feeling overwhelmingly anxious, shameful and upset with myself for getting to this point, but by the end of the day I'd get home and immediately start drinking again to "feel better". It was just a vicious cycle that never seemed to end. It was like there was a constant dark cloud around me and I couldn't get out of it. I was suffocating. I do believe that some people have to hit "rock bottom" to change. For me, I just had to get fed up enough and sick enough of the draining, unfulfilling, depressing life I was living and decide that I wanted more for myself. I loved myself and I knew what I was doing was unloving. I was in constant conflict with myself. It was draining.
This picture should scare you. It terrifies me. Those eyes are not my eyes. They are the eyes of whatever it was that took over my body every time I drank. Take that how you will, but this picture is a reminder to me to never play with fire again.
That demon no longer has a place in my life because I SAY SO. I took back control and told it NO MORE. This is my life, my body and I control what goes in it.
I now SPARKLE & SHINE.
Being sober gives me clarity, freedom, control, happiness, authenticity, hope, and most importantly a future. A future that I am in control of.
I wouldn't give that up for anything. Especially not alcohol.
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