Worrying about the opinion of others.
Updated: Nov 20, 2019
I use this blog as a way to share my journey with the public, but it also acts as a form of journaling for me. I love it because as I express myself, I find that there are usually other people out there who can relate. It also just feels good to get thoughts and ideas out of my body.
Every so often I get in these interesting moods where I start to question a lot of about life and our social norms. I am going through one of those phases right now, so I wanted to write it down so that I can remember this feeling when it inevitably fades and I return back to my regular not-so-emotional state of living. In these moments, I take a good look at myself, my behaviors, society etc. and wanted to share some things that I've noticed.
1. A lot of people do things to impress others. Myself included.
I've been paying attention a lot lately to my actions and patterns and asking myself - am I doing this for me? Or am I doing this because I care what others think of me?
To take it a step further and get more clear on these questions, I then think to myself - if I lived out in the woods by myself and there was nobody around to "impress" would I still be doing this?
Example: Putting makeup on before the gym. Considering my boyfriend and I wake up at 4 AM to go to the gym, it doesn't really make sense that I put makeup on before the gym. I don't need makeup on to actually complete the action of exercise, so then I have to ask myself - why do I do this? Is it for me? Or is it for other people?
I used to tell myself I wore makeup to workout because I felt that if I "looked good" I would feel more motivated to work out harder which is bullshit. Then, I asked myself - well if that's true, then would you still wear makeup to work out if you lived out in the middle of the woods by yourself. My answer is - no. No, I wouldn't. Because deep down, I was putting on makeup at 4 AM to go to the gym not for myself, but because there were other people around and I was afraid of what they thought of me and I am sometimes insecure because... I am human.
2. I've always worn a lot of makeup and don't feel comfortable in my own skin now.
I am feeling this a lot lately and I don't like it. I've worn makeup since I was WAY too young for it. Not just a little makeup, but a lot of makeup. Makeup is an art and I totally respect what makeup artists can do with their talent. However, I am not a makeup artist, yet I've worn makeup as if I were and honestly, it just kind of became a part of who I am. Just part of my routine. The issue with this is that when you are so used to wearing a lot of makeup and holding yourself up to that standard of "beauty", on the days where you don't wear a full face of makeup, you don't feel as "pretty". I actually find myself sometimes flat out thinking I look ugly. Lately, I am NOT okay with this feeling. This is the same as using filters on photos. When you filter your photos for so long, you begin to feel like that is the real version of yourself. But when you see yourself in raw photos or even in the mirror, you don't like the way you look. THIS IS SO WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS YOU GUYS! Why have I allowed myself to feel this way for so long? I want to feel comfortable in my natural skin and be able to wear makeup as an accent to my natural beauty every once in a while, not because I feel like I have to. I don't like this false belief I've created within myself that "I need to wear makeup to feel beautiful". Fuck that.
3. I spend money on things I don't actually need.
This is another thing I've been noticing a lot lately and I think this comes from a place, again, of wanting to impress others. If I lived in the woods, with nobody else around, I would only wear my favorite clothes, that feel the most comfortable on my body, regardless of how they looked or if they matched etc. etc. I've cleaned out my closed at least 10 times in the past year and each time getting rid of at least 30+ items of clothing. That's a lot of clothes. That's a lot of money. What ends up happening is I feel like I need more variety of clothing or accessories etc. not necessarily because it's what I want, but because I think it will make me more appealing or interesting to others. I see all of these cute girls wearing cute clothes on Instagram so I buy, buy, buy because I want to look like that too. But then when I am getting ready everyday, I always choose to wear the things that feel most comfortable to ME. So then a lot of the nonsense crap I buy, I never actually end up wearing and it ends up in the donate pile the next time I decide to clean out my closet. There are definitely some deep rooted emotional causes for these patterns. Wanting to impress others. Wanting to fit in. Wanting to project a certain type of image. Not feeling comfortable in my own skin. This is ultimately a feeling of not being comfortable with who I am as a person and hoping that by looking a certain way on the outside, that will be fixed. Well... that definitely isn't how that works. This is when we need to look deeper at the root cause of these kinds of issues and find the real reasons behind our actions. This is how we grow and build true character and find out who we REALLY are.
4. I don't like social media, but feel like I have to use it to keep with with today's culture.
When I get in these moods, the first thing I usually feel is the want to delete my social media accounts. I think to myself "what is the point of all this bullshit anyways?". It all just seems so fake. Even the people now being "vulnerable" and "authentic" feel like big fat fakes. Maybe I am just being emotional and cynical, but right now in this moment it feels real. I start to question myself and wonder what I've posted in the past on my social media accounts just for attention. Or just because I felt like I needed to keep posting to stay relevant. Or because I needed to keep posting or else I'd lose followers. This goes back to the question from before of "am I posting this for me? Or for others?" and there has been a lot of content in the past that I've posted just to stay relevant. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to share only when I genuinely have something to say or have a special moment I want to share. Not just BS I feel like I have to do because that's what society tells us we need to do or that's what marketing experts say we need to do to remain relevant on social media. I just don't care anymore. I just want to be me, I want people to see ME, I want to share my sobriety story to truly just be able to help others who are struggling like I have. I want a true, genuine, authentic community of people who CARE and aren't just trying to gain attention or sell a product.
and FYI, this stuff doesn't change over night. It's all a work in progress.
I think I'm PMSING so - rant over haha. If you are reading this, please leave a comment down below and let's start a conversation. I'd love to hear what you guys struggle with because at this point... I know I am not alone.
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