100 Sober Days!!!
Updated: Nov 20, 2019
Wow, guys! I just hit 100 days sober today and I can not believe it! I was at the gym this morning and it really hit me... ONE HUNDRED DAYS.
It's so crazy to me because I think back to 3-4 months ago when I didn't believe that even ONE day sober was possible. I was so consumed in my drinking patterns and habits that I just couldn't imagine my life without it.
I don't think people realize what I mean when I say I had a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Most people look at me, and my life, from the outside and paint a picture totally different from what the actual reality was. I've always had a steady job, I've always made sure to have a "put together" appearance, I've always stayed in shape and gone to the gym and for the most part I always wore a smile. For the longest time, nobody even knew I had a problem with drinking.
Let me tell you exactly what I mean when I say I had an "unhealthy relationship" with alcohol.
My personality is already an "all or nothing" type. I like to do things all at once with 100% effort. I don't care to do things half-assed. This wasn't any different with my drinking habits. I didn't care for the light beer or the mixed cocktails. I wasn't drinking because I enjoyed the taste or just to drink socially. I was drinking to get hammered... EVERY SINGLE TIME. I wasn't looking for a light buzz, or a relaxing "feel good" feelings. My goal was to get blackout drunk every time. I wouldn't admit that at the time, but looking back now, it's very clear.
What you guys have to realize is that this was not a couple times a week thing. This was NIGHTLY. Now, since I had a professional job, I never drank during work hours (Monday-Friday 9AM-5PM), THANK GOD. But the second I got home from work, I'd change out of my work clothes into something comfy and immediate hit the hard stuff. Like I said, I don't care for much fluff. My drinks of choice were either straight tequila, whiskey or if it was beer it was a 9%+ IPA PLUS liquor.
You guysssss, I mean it when I say I had NO CHILL.
I'd get home by 5:30, start drinking, be drunk by the time I was making dinner, not remember eating dinner, and then pass out by 9 PM. EVERY DAMN NIGHT.
Weekends... That's a whole other story. Drinking patterns slowly creep up on you. I used to only drink at night on weekends but as my drinking increased, my drinking boundaries got blurrier and blurrier. I would drink even heavier (if that's even possible) on Friday nights and wake up with a hangover Saturday morning. I'd eventually start wanting a bloody mary, or mimosa in the morning to help with the hangover pain. Since I didn't normally like mixed drinks, it's obvious that I was using the socially acceptable brunch cocktails to fuel my bad habits without as much judgement from others. The tricky thing with alcohol, at least for me anyways, is that once I have one drink, it'd have to continue in order to avoid feeling like shit again. On top of that, my body was craving it. So bloody mary's in the morning turned to straight shots of liquor, and that turned into not just a night of drinking anymore but an entire day. I remember there was one winter where I was drinking both Saturday's and Sunday's from morning to night. By Sunday evening I felt like such crap and had to then get ready for the work week to begin. It was exhausting.
This is an unhealthy and super depressing pattern. I got so used to always being hungover during the week. I learned to just work through it and it became my new normal. I would tell myself that it was okay. That "you only live once". But the reality is that that was absolutely not normal behavior. There was something a lot deeper going on.
I was not happy with my life and I was drinking to numb the pain. I had pain from traumas and unpleasant experiences that happened in my teens and in my early twenties. When I went through these things, I was unaware of it at the time, but I had taken those moments and put them in a box. I put them in a box, hid them under my bed, and forgot they even existed. I didn't want to deal with it and I didn't know how to process or deal with my emotions. I detached. I learned to shut off certain emotions and feelings and I built a tough exterior to protect myself. What I didn't know at the time is how detrimental that was to my overall well-being. You can't just ignore things and pretend like they never happened. Deep down you know, your body knows, your subconscious knows, and it begins to manifest and grow into something very dark and sinister.
On top of the unaddressed trauma, I was living a life that was unaligned with my true self. In my free time I was always drunk, so I had less capability to do the things I really loved. I lost my drive, creativity, motivation, adventure, spirituality an so much more. I was not myself and I could feel it. As time went on, I started noticing this constant battle I was having with myself. I could feel the misalignment, but I didn't know how to get myself back to where I once was before alcohol. Even 100 days later and I am still trying to figure it out. It's all a process and it takes time. I had to of tried quitting AT LEAST 10 times before it actually stuck. This is now the longest I have ever been sober.
So don't give up. Keep trying new things and finding new ways to fight your battle against alcohol. We are strong, capable beings but when alcohol gets ahold of us our strength and willpower can diminish. I picture alcohol as a little demon. Always taunting me to drink more. Not because I want to drink more, but because the demon finds join in my suffering. Every time I refuse a drink I watch that demon grow weaker and weaker and it's voice becomes more quiet. That demon is my enemy and I will no longer give it what it wants. I now find joy in watching it die.
I am 27 and I feel like my life is FINALLY beginning!
Thank you guys for reading. Today is a very exciting day for me and I enjoy sharing these moments with you all!
** If you are sober, or curious about sobriety, we would love for you to join our Facebook group - Mindful Times Facebook Community for support, encouragement, accountability and questions.
The Mindful Times podcast can also be found on any major podcast streaming platform (iTunes, Spotify etc.) or you can click the "Podcast" tab in the menu at the top of this page.